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| You'd think that more players would have learned from Donte Stallworth's mistake. |
According to Pro Football Talk, 12 NFL players have been arrested for driving drunk since Super Bowl XLVI.
Dear Drunk NFL Player About to Drive,
So, you've had a few drinks. I can't blame you. You're young and a celebrity athlete, so you should enjoy it while you can. You walk into a bar and managers fall over themselves to hand you drinks, while women fall over themselves to sleep with you. Life's a blast! YOLO!
But now the party's over and you have to find a way to get home. It sucks that the NFL took away your free ride program. And maybe you didn't use that service anyway because you worried your coach would learn that you were sipping mojitos at Centerfolds the night before the game, instead of in bed dreaming of your Cover-2 responsibilities against the Saints offense.
Still, you're making at least $375,000 per year, so you can afford a cab. But maybe you can't find one. Maybe you're in a small town without a 24-hour taxi service. Or maybe you just don't want to handle the hassle of picking up your car in the morning. None of these are smart excuses for driving drunk, but if you were smart then you would have planned for this before you ordered that fourth vodka soda.
Fine. So you're going to drive home. You only live a few miles down the road anyway, so you don't think it's a big deal. Well, at least be cautious. Look behind you as you're backing up...WATCH OUT! Whew, you almost ran into those three pedestrians. You're lucky that they yelled at you in time. No, they're not stepping to you. Don't threaten them with your Glock .45.
Ok, you're now on the road. Look up at the sky. Is the sun out? Well, that shouldn't matter, because you can still get a DUI during daytime hours. Especially if you start drinking at noon, celebrate your country's soccer victory with some shots, and then drive your BMW into a couple of parked cars.
You're already breaking one traffic law, so don't disobey any others. As Kanye says, drive slow. If you've previously jeopardized your career with a motorcycle wreck, definitely do not Tweet a photo of your Bentley speedometer breaking 100 mph. (If your teammate is stupid enough to do this, then DO photograph your speedometer showing 30 mph to mock him.)
So you're driving carefully. Hands at 10 and 2. Good. Now just go directly home. Do not take any detours, no matter how much you're jonesin' for a Filet-O-Fish. If you do decide to stop for food, then do not use the drive-thru.
Your grandfather may have told you stories about the old days, when police would find an athlete or celebrity driving drunk and actually help them get home safely. Well, times have changed. Right now, the cops are not your friends. Depending on the flashiness of your car, you might be a target for them. Especially if your license plate reads "SAUCED."
The same rule applies to military officers. Don't drive straight into an army base checkpoint. As a rule of thumb, I'd just avoid all uniformed individuals in general.
Great, you made it home without any incidents. But you should not try this again, because you have a lot to lose if you get caught. Marshawn Lynch spent years rebuilding his career and image, received a big new contract, and may have just thrown it all away with his latest DUI. Aaron Berry was supposed to start at cornerback for the Lions this season before he was cut this week for his second arrest of the year. And your law-abiding teammates are starting to tire of the bad stigma that you're giving to their profession.
You may still think this isn't serious when you see Justin Blackmon receive a $600 fine and 50 hours of community service after blowing a 0.24 during a traffic stop. Earlier this week, I heard some callers on SiriusXM NFL Radio describe drunk driving as a non-malicious crime that hurts the player more than anyone else. The next time you have the choice to drive drunk, I hope you realize that's not true.
Sincerely,
A Concerned Motorist
I'll post every Wednesday and Friday as training camps kick off. In the meantime, follow my daily NFL-related musings at @BostonGiant.
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